Dastaan-e-Induction

Two jobs and two induction programs – the second one ending last week, with the difference being almost an year, but the experiences remain similar, despite the locational and organizational differences, and they will remain the same intertemporally too, forever.

To start the farce, the first day begins with an over-enthusiastic HR starting with the company overview, being the first presentation amongst the twenty odd cramped up in the next three days, one for each of the important departments like – housekeeping, kitchen, and administration being the most important ones.

Invariably, the overview presentation begins with the objective slide that will invariably boast of words and phrases like – “globally competitive”, “leadership potential”, “the preferred organization”, blah blah, etc. Invariably the slide will read: “To become a globally competitive organization, being the best in the industry exploiting our vast leadership potential, and strive to become a preferred organization of choice for all the stakeholders and the society at large”. While, I’m still try to figure out what exactly does it mean, I have already decided to use the sentence as the objective of my enterprise, as my boss did invariably when he opened this company, picking up the line from the last induction program that he attended.

What follows the first slide is the second slide, err… an organizational structure for which the over enthusiastic HR will invariably proclaim how ever-changing is it. Invariably the presentation will leave you flabbergasted – you knew more about the company than the HR himself knew. Usually, before or after this, a set of introductions from each of the participants follow, with the introduction pattern modified according to the last poker game he played last night – pass two cards left… err… introduce two on your left. So, invariably invariable!

As expected this is a forum “to get a basic hang of the organization” (as announced in an introduction to the program), and this doesn’t fall short of your expectations as you get to know at least the following:

1.How enthusiastic can the HR be (mind you, he is the only person though), as if by a divine process of transfer of energy, he/she sucks on the depleting energy of the participants. Well, at least that’s what I thought, until I saw his head bobbing from one side to the other, while he continued to smile and appear enthusiastic in his peaceful slumber.

2.The realization turns into shock and the shock into fright before it mutates into a full-fledged distress situation, and sends you scurrying for your CV so that you can apply to another company even before spending a day at office, as with the gradual progress of the presentations you realize that the company is running on sheer luck with the support departments believing that individually they are indispensable, and the core sales function being equally lethargic at the same time.

3.An Induction program is perhaps the best place to learn how to grab the little morsels of importance that are thrown to you once in a year. The whiff of it comes from the fact that every presenter is late, and apologizes at the beginning of the presentation, citing the same reason for an urgent meeting even if the same was with his girlfriend in the adjoining garden, or with his boss to discuss on his lackadaisical attitude and to warn him that he might be fired if he doesn’t stop gazing at the girls on the net during working hours. If this was not enough, it is emphasized by a bloated eagerness to talk, and the enthusiasm diminishes only as the end nears. What makes it certain is the regular exceedance of the allotted presentation time by a minimum 50%, over and above the schedule time (which already included a buffer of 100% over and above the time that the speaker had originally requested for).

4.Well, you also get to refresh all the games that you used to play in the class (tic-tac, etc.), develop new hobbies like writing (Write a poem on that female sitting opposite you or write this blog-post like me), learn new ways of sleeping (with your eyes open, scribbling with a pen, while you’re sound asleep), etc.

Well, that’s the minimum that one can learn. I am sorry that I can’t add more to your set of knowledge, being asleep a major part of the three days, except for the bits and pieces of moments that have been highlighted above.

To cut the long story short, the three days of farce is reduced to a 13 odd presentation affair, with the rest of the presentations lost in the self assumed importance of the speakers who spoke and the one who got so carried away in their mire of those imaginary ‘meetings’, that the failed to turn up. Also, the entire purpose of knowing the company stands defeated now that your future looks as bleak as that of the company, if what they said in the presentations was true enough. This is mentally painful, yes, but physically too you end up losing, in the form of gaining – as you gain another two kilos of weight due to the rich and oily food that you had for the three days in which you just sat, and slept and ate and of which all you remember now is zilch.

P.S: Is that how an induction is supposed to be? I don’t know what to say having gone through the same ordeal twice, but I’m sure of one thing now. People going through the inductions leave the organization faster than the ones those who don’t attend one. What do you say? Please comment. Thanks.